How NOT to travel!
by Shirokonoji
Summary: Ichigo's fanfiction writer friend invites the group of Shinigami to three countries. In flight food and pillows included, with an extra serving of blissfully unaware humans result in maddness! Warning: Shinigami might have a tantrum and crash the plane!
1. OC Info

**A.N: This is going have one of my story OC's that I made for my stories. I'm not sure how it's going end because with long stories I just write, I don't plan before hand. Anyway, I'll give some information about the OC first. _Italics _are flashbacks, underlined words are foreign and thoughts will be inside' '. It's a Bleach story but will have Soul Eater flashback references, don't worry if you don't know the Soul Eater story line, its not important. Yup, now lets get on with the story!**

Name: Sorry, but you'll find out in chapter 2

Age: 15

Gender: Female, Tomboy

Looks: Spiky, medium length, brown hair that is tied on a low ponytail with bangs framing the face and a couple of stray hairs sticking up near the forehead. She has hazel-green eyes and thin lips. Her body is slightly muscular, she has a boy figure. She wears a yellow graffiti 'New York' shirt with short, precisely shredded sleeves? Her pants are denim shorts that go up to her knees with buckles and chains adorning the belt loops. She wears a black converse and a blue converse. Her face always has either a grin or a smirk

Likes: Sweets and fighting, also some soft drinks like Mt. Dew. Playing video games, she will have her DSi with her in the story.

Dislikes: Snobs, pink, girly items and dresses/skirts/bikini's (she wears boy swimming costumes)

**Now the story shall unfold, bit by bit!**


	2. What!

**A.N. If you can, please take your time and review and send me some ideas. "Double quotation" means that someone is speaking, 'single quotations' means that someone is thinking. Underlined words are that aren't English or Japanese, _italics are flashbacks _while bold words are loud. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. I only claim ownership of my OC and partially this story "plot".**

"**Ichigo!**" a brunette, me, shouts, "**WHAT?**" I was thinking that maybe we could invite Pineapple and co. to New York!" Yeah o-**wait, NEW YORK?**" Mmhm!" I nod my head feverously. "Why would you want that?" Ichigo inquires, perma-frown not leaving his face for a second. "'Cause it's the only time I can cause some trouble, after all we can erase people's memory!" You're inviting them for that!" I smirk, my appearance taking a twist to that of a sly fox. "Oh~! So you agree to invite them?" I say teasingly. "No!" Sorry Ichi, but this is the only time when I can have fun! Back home I have to abide to rules! ...Like not putting your elbows on the table when eating…" I sweatdrop, then I say," Plus, I don't want to traumatize anyone!" Well what about us?" Oh, you don't get traumatized so easily. You fight giant bugs with a butcher knife about your size while saving the world from a traitor that has a mullet… you know what I'm getting at." Ichigo glares at me after my explanation.

"Ishi shi shi shi! **A.N. That's my quiet laugh, it can also be used for creepy purposes! **I know you're probably wondering how I met our little strawberry, well…"… one day I started writing a story while drawing a picture of a strawberry I suddenly fell through a hole, a PLOT hole… Next thing I know I'm on a giant spider thing, it turns its head and I see a mask. Naturally I start swooning at the sight of a giant masked spider, then, some random dude in a black dress thing with a butcher knife kills my new spider buddy.

As he walks away I come to the conclusion that I'm in a different world from my own and that I'm probably not meant to see the random dude or my now dead spider buddy, I decide to cause trouble by taking my once in a life time chance to irritate a stranger by asking stupid questions- "Now, don't try this at home, your parents will either a. kill you, b. sell you, or c. ground you. A and b are just silly so c is the most likely option!"- I ask him, what was it? Why did you kill my spider buddy? Who are you? Why are you wearing a dress? What's with the knife?... Why are you so familiar…? As he opens his mouth to answer I interrupt by answering my own questions Oh, it was a hollow! It was an EVIL spider buddy! You're Kurosaki Ichigo! You're wearing a dress because know one could think of anything better! The knife is you're zanpakuto, and your from Bleach! I finish at all in one breath while Ichigo stares at me as if I had 5 heads.

Why did I fall through a hole? How did I fall through a hole? And how am I going to live with out my video games~?... I decide to explain what happened to Ichigo. He takes it surprisingly well,… after all he does fight giant, albeit epic, spider buddies! Aaaanyway, he managed to call Rukia and convinced her to take me to see the Soutaicho, with the condition to slit my throat if I was an enemy… Ichigo explains what happened to the Gotei 13, they're sceptical until I pulled out my DSi and showed them; most were amazed and intrigued while others, like Byakuya, were not so interested. Then I fell into another plot hole, and reappeared by falling from the ceiling and very graciously falling onto my butt, I can do that very graciously thank you! Then everyone believed me. "That's how I got here, Karakura Town… I can go back to my world but I prefer staying here in my free time. Sweet thing is that every day in Karakura Town is exactly one minute in the real world! Ho ha ha! Read on in chapter two!"

"Oh, and Ichigo-" What?"-... We're leaving tomorrow at midnight-" **WHAT?"**

**Rate and review, provide me with suggestions to continue m story! Major flames are frowned upon (I'll sick my huge spider buddy on you) but minor flames building on constructive criticism! (I give you a virtual cookie!)**

**Peace out - Shiro **


	3. I chi go Trading Cards

A.N. Yay! You get to find out the name of the character!

Me: Grimmy, do the disclaimer!

Grimmjow: What the hell do you think I am, woman? I'm not doing an exclaimer for a friggin'-

Me: (I clamp my arms over Grimmjow's mouth) Uh uh uh! This is rated K+ for a reason, now do the exclaimer before I shove a pole so far up your hooter that-

Grimmjow: (He bites my arm and I complain angrily) Fine, I'll do it. The... **idiot** over there does not own Bleach, she only owns... herself(?)

Me: Thank you.

I lay in my bed, breathing in an out in a steady rhythm causing a lengthy bit of hair that was usually on the side of my face, it was currently **on** my face resting on the tip of my nose, to flutter up and glide down in time with my breath. **"**...omnom... no...not the porcelain bowl of dooooooom...**" **I was splayed out in a strange position, comically even, my legs were in a cartoon running position, my right arm was underneath my head, with my head resting on the inside of my elbow. My other arm was placed on my hip, hanging limply. I jolt awake. I run my fingers through my head which is sticking out odder angles than usual due to bed hair. **"**The first dream I have for a year just HAS to be a dream where Ichigo becomes a criminal mastermind and flushed all of Soul Society down the toilet...!**" **I manage to mumble out, I then look at my tiny blue alarm clock which I never ever use. **"**Must...get... dressed...**-" **I groan,**"**- note to self; lay off the burgers...oh wait, I'm not fat...**" **

"**HURRY UP!"** I pull on my yellow graffiti New York shirt and commence tugging my denim knee length short, I check if everything is on... Then I realise that my pant are on backwards, I straighten them and leap down the stairs. **"I'M HURRY UPPING!"** I snag my Dsi from the dining table and on all fours I bound across the sofa, straighten out and run out the door. I shoo Ichigo onto the street and then announce, **"**Urahara Shoten!**" **Since when do you call the shots?**" **Ichigo scowls at me, he's clearly not a morning person. **"**Since right now!**" **I rush to the Urahara Shoten. As I approached I saw that Tessai was attacking Urahara with 5 year old medicine.

Whoa, hold on a sec. Lets recap a bit, first I exploded Ichigo's mind because I told him that I booked tickets for all of the Gotei 13, Urahara and co. and for Ichigo and co. I had Ichigo dreaming of rainbows when I told him that we had 1 day to gather all of them, now at 9 am we're at the Urahara Shoten to convince Urahara to come and convince him to open a Sekai into Soul Society so that we could go annoy Ren-ahem... gather the others.

I got close to Ichigo, **"**Agent Strawberry, operation Black Market is a go, I repeat operation Black Market is a go. Over, do you copy?**" **I whisper, my eyes glinting mischievously. **"**Do I have to?**" **Ichigo stubbornly groans, I elbow him in the ribs, **"**Ow! Fine... Roger that... Agent Imabetterthanyou...**" **Ichigo grumbles out, I however, grin.** "**You know it! Haaaaaraaa-chama! I booked tickets to different countries and I would like you to come!**" **Urahara hides behind his striped fan, **"**Did you bring the items we agreed on?**" **Hell yeah. **"**We toddled over to the table that was at the end of the store and began to giggle like school girls, albeit slightly scarily. **" **Hara-chama, I have a number 5 and a normal rare that I would be willing to trade for your number 21, number 9 and number 13.**" **I bounce around a bit, **"**I traded my number 9 for a 45 and 15, apparently Yoruichi had doubles of both of them and desperately needed a 9. I don't really need the number 15, care to take it of my hands?**" **Urahara offered, **"**Gladly, I've been searching for that little thing for a week!**" **We took your respective cards out of our pockets and hastily pasted them to each other, giggle obnoxiously and fussing over our cards. Urahara squealed and flapped his arms like a fish out of water. **"**Riko-chaaaaamaaaa! It's so... POWERFUL!**" **Urahara burst into tears over the pwnageness of one of the cards.

I smirked. **"**Agent Strawberry, **ATTAAAAAACK**!**" **I screamed at Ichigo. He lunged at Urahara only to find out that Urahara had predicted this, he... was... caught by the enemy... I took Ichigo's phone and took a snapshot of the strawberry looking like he had fallen into a vat of cheese. His eyes were squinted at a **very **fail attempt of glare, his mouth was clamped shut and his cheeks were puffed out, his nostrils were enlarged and were chugging out steam. He was squished in a hug from the perverted shop keeper. **"**Ok, aaaaand...DONE!**" **I almost squealed by then, Urahara managed to suppress his urge by passing out. I laughed hysterically and mashed the buttons on Ichigo's phone. I had sent the picture to the Yu gi oh manager.

*5 minutes later*

*bleep...* ...*bleeeeep...* ...bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* ARGH! Turn your cellphone off! Oh wait, that's a text on my phone, sorry... aw great! My mail's arrived! Hee hee, do you ever wonder what a Bleach trading card game would look like...? Oops... I've said too much...

I scamper to Urahara's mailbox, look inside and shred the single envelope that is in there into shreds leaving behind 3 cards. **"**Hara-chama! They're here! Ururu, Ginta, come and see! Tessai, WAKE UP!**" **Everyone that I had called gathered around me and Ichigo was left to overlook everyone's shoulders, he failed miserably to see what was so important. Urahara and Tessai ran in circles screeching about how marvellous the cards were, Ururu and Ginta smirked, ok... Ginta smirked, Ururu just stood there and smiled the whole time... Meanwhile someone ninja like, crouched in a tree being ninja-y while smirking ninja-tasticly before jumping ninja quiet away from the group using a ninja move filled with ninja-y goodness and ninja-y nutrients. Back with me, Ichigo, finally tired of looking stupid by not knowing what was going on decided to ask, **"**What is that?**" **to which I replied like he had a chicken up his nose because he didn't know, **" **It's the I chi go trading card game cards!**" **He stared before replying, **"WHAT?" **See look, this is the 'sleep' card-**" **I thrust a card with a picture of Ichigo drooling in his sleep in his face. **"**It induces sleep in the opponents Berry-mon. Duh.**" **What the hell's a Berry-mon?**" **

I tsk and wag my finger,** "**I guess I'll have to explain it all to you... a Berry-mon is the duelist's offense and defence, it attacks other Berry-mons and blocks attacks from other Berry-mons. Smoothie cards usually effect the duelist's cards, there can also be Equip Smoothie's, they add stats to the Berry-mons. Then there are also Basket cards, they cause cause negative and positive effects on Berry-mons such as adding an extra skin. I chi go is suuuuuch a good game!**" **Ichigo just stands there gaping and looking like a tard. Then he glares at me. **"**What the hell is WRONG with you? You take PICTURES of me IN MY SLEEP?**" **He screeches, madly swiping at me... and missing. **"**You're a **stalker**!**" **I wave his comment off. **"**Actually... it was Urahara that was taking the pictures-**" He WHAT?" **Geez... chill, it's not like he was groping you...**" **Ichigo's vein pops out of his forehead,** "**Although I wouldn't know cause I wasn't there...-**" **Ichigo then screeches and tears out some of his hair while I prod Urahara, who had passed out from squealing and hyperventilating, with my foot...he twitched... **"**Calm down... at least you didn't wake up!**" **Ichigo passes out and goes to his inner world... **"**Prude.. oi, Hara-chama? If you come with us to New York I'll give you one of the new cards I got!**" **He drools and nods in his coma, I smirk and run off to find Yoruichi.

"Ah ha! Yoruichi, wait up!**" **Yoruichi turns around ninja style and I slam into her boobs so she crushes me into a hug until I go limp... then she lets go, she would never kill someone via her boobs! **"**Ah, Riko! What can I do for you?**" **I shove the card in her face and take a really, really, really huge breath in, "Ijustgotthisepiccardandit'scalled'UraharamolestingIchigo'soifyoucomewithustoNewYorkI'llgiveyouone!"** (Translator for Stupidise: I just-...*creak...CRASH* Oh uh... it broke...I guess that was NEVER gonna work...)**I pant, gasp, inhale, exhale, cough, choke and collapse. Yoruichi studies the card and then helps me up. **"**Sure I'll come! Nice card by the way, I'll take payment in advance.**" **Since i was belly down on the ground she swiped the card from my hand in a ninja like way and bounds of with epic ninja skills before opening a bag of fish shaped animal crackers and shoving them into her mouth like a ninja eating a cream pie.

Urg...I'm Taka Moriko-er... Riko is better... Oh yeah, that's surname first, and me and the strawberry prude are gathering victim-uh friends, yeah friends, to go with us to three different countries!

**Done! Rate, review and tell me what else you would want me to include in the series! Meanwhile... OMNOMNOMNOMNOM no! NOT THE PORCIELIN BOWL OF DOOOOOOOM!**


	4. The Wand of Epicness

**A.N. Yayz! I got some reviews! Hopefully I'll get more... now, on a completely different note, It'll take me a while to publish chapters 'cause the period of 'back to school' is mostly filled with me spazzing about how I don't want to wear a dress to school and how badly I want to have a Lucario shaped cupcake. Now Ichigo, do the review, properly.**

**Ichigo: Shiro doesn't own Bleach, Tite Kubo does. She only owns herself. There, happy?**

**Me: Very. **

"Hara-chama... open the damn Sekai!**" **Riko-chaaamaaa... I don't want to leave my precious store!**" **Urahara sobs while saying this, tears gush out like water out of tap and his nose leaks snot. I scrunch up my nose and motion Ichigo over. **"**Hara-chama, you know you want to see Ichigo burst into Soul Society and have Kenny's cray-dar activate which would lead to Kenny chasing Ichigo while screaming in all of his psychotic glory!**" **Urahara strokes his chin dramatically, **"Well** of cour-**"You** said cray-dar... are you calling me a **crayfish?" **I tsk and wag my finger. **"**You're jumping to conclusions! At least I didn't say gay-dar, although it would at least be partially true...-**"WHAT? **I'm not-**"Gosh**-**" **I shake my head as if I'm disappointed, **" **We already know, it's time to come out of the closet... although in your case you have a girl living in your closet and you're waaaaay too prude coughgaycough to go inside your own closet!**" **Ichigo scowls and is about to remark about his issue which is soooooo true, when I suddenly blurt out, **"**Le gasp! It's 9:30 already? To the Urahara mobile! Dena nene nene nene Hara-man!**" **

After my random and completely unrelated outburst I use Ichigo as a spring board, which make him faceplant into the floor, I flail my arms around while tucking my left leg in and straitening my right leg diagonally to perform a flying kick onto Urahara's back. I succeeded and make Urahara share the same fate as Ichigo. I grab his cane and unsheath Benihime. Why Urahara didn't manage to stop me will forever remain a mystery, I twirl Benihime around in her Shikai form and then squat, holding the **very** sharp sword horizontally with both hands in front of Ichigo's face which makes him have a spaz attack. **"**Blah blah blah spirit gate, blah blah blah Soul Society, blah blah blaaaaah **cupcakes**... blah blah blah **OPEN SESAME!" **Ichigo finished having his spaz attack as soon as I stabbed Benihime into the ground. I wipe my hands on my shorts to get rid of any Urahara germs that threatened my health.

Suddenly a Sekai opens in front of us, I yank Ichigo and Urahara up but Urahara escapes and skips over to Tessai. **"**Tessai, I've known you for a long time... and even though we will no long see each other, we'll... still be... friends...right?**" **Urahara looks at Tessai. Ichigo is unable to look away in morbid fascination, I ask Ururu if I can borrow her gun, she eventually relents it. **"**Of course we can still be friends, Manager!**" **They run towards each other as rainbows, sparkles, flowers, butterflies and My Little Ponies surround them. **" **Oh Tessai!**" **Oh Manager!**" **By then I inquire,** "**Can I shoot them?**" **They ignore me. **" **Oh Tessai!**" **Oh Manager!**" **They meet in a hug. Ichigo turns away, facefaults and then says, **"**You need professional help...-**"**A blast sends them flying away. **"**Oops, my finger slipped.**" **I say bluntly. I toss Ururu her gun, **"**Come on, Ichigo's not getting any prettier.**" **I grab Urahara by the ear with him grumbling out a series of ow's. Ichigo follows behind muttering how he was already pretty enough.

We arrive in the Gotei 13 with absolutely no Kenny's in site. I toddle off in the general direction of the first division, Urahara and Ichigo follow behind me. We soon arrive at the doors to the first division, I immediately pop up behind the Soutaicho. **"**Yama-jii, ya wanna come to New York with us?**" **He stares at me bewildered. **"**New..York?**" **Ichigo steps in with his opinion. **"**It's a place where humans live and some even go to see landmarks like the Statue of Liberty.**" ****"**Statue of Liberty? Why would you want to go away from home just to see some statue?**" **I plop myself comfortably onto Yamamoto's lap and take a big breath in while Urahara snoops around the first division office. **"**Wellyousee,somepeopledon' ifyoudon'tstopbeingnoseyI'llabsolutelysmashyou!**" **Yamamoto takes all of that in while I pant gasp inhale exhale cough choke and teeter precariously on the edge of Yamamoto's lap, I faint. My tongue sticks out of my mouth and my eyes go swirly so Yamamoto grabs the rim of my shirt and shakes me violently back and forth while screeching, **"**Will there be fuzzy kittens?**" **Over and over, my eyes turn normal and I glance at my tongue. **"**Hey look, its defying gravity! Oh and Yama-jii, yes, there will be fuzzy kittens to satisfy your kitten obsession!**" **Yamamoto lets go of me and sighs in relief.

I crash to the ground and see Urahara leap up to me and wave a pink stick with pink fuzz and an opaque star attached to it. **"**Riko-chama, lookie what I found! It's a magic wand!**" **He starts to flail his arms and squeal while running in circles. Ichigo plucks the wand from Urahara's hands and examines it. **"**It looks pretty ordinary to me-**" **I stare at him like was insane, which is surprising because he hasn't gone insane by now. **"**By the great Pokémon gods! Wave the Wand of Epicness! Even though it's pink... **Wave the wand, man!" **I screech... and continue screeching so Ichigo hastily waves the wand while it's pointed at me and pink smoke envelops me. Urahara stops dead in his tracks and slowly turns to face the puff of smoke and Ichigo. His face takes on a strange mix of sorrow and anger which makes him look like a duck. **"OH MY GOSH! **You killed her! How could you?**" **Urahara falls to his knees and then collapses forward onto his face. **"**What? I didn't kill her, a wand can't kill someone! **"**You strawberry of a substitute shinigami, how could you? That was my ticket to an unlimited supply of kitties!**" **Heeeeey, I'm not dead!**" **Urahara sobs are muffled by the ground but he shakily replies, **"**Uwah... now I'm hearing voices of the dead...**" **The smoke clears and I stand upright grandly, albeit not very noticeably because I'm considerably smaller. **"**OI you dills, I'm not **dead!" **Urahara bolts upright and flings himself towards me. **"**You're not dead! You're really small and oh! Don't you look adorable whe-**" **Urahara's face comes in contact with its best friend, the sole of Ichigo's shoe.

A vein bulges out on Ichigo's forehead and he starts yelling at Urahara to value people's personal space... and also that he shouldn't stalk people...or something like that. An irk mark appears on my forehead. **" **Number one, I am **not **so small that people can use me as a toothpick-**" **Ichigo interrupts. **"**No one said that-**" **Secondly... that wand is frickin' awesome! Gimme!**" **I snatch the wand from Ichigo and wave it at Urahara, he too is enveloped in pink smoke and when it clears... Urahara appears small as well, **"**Ho ho ho ho! We're **Chibis!" **Me and Urahara screech and run around Yamamoto's chair until I jump onto Yamamoto's lap again, pulling Urahara with me. **"**Yama-jii, Yama-jii! Say the magical words that will grant to unearthly power beyond all your wildest dreams!**" **I tug roughly on Yamamoto's yukuta . Urahara joins in and we start to annoy Yamamoto until he finally answers. **"**Very well, we shall see what power this wand beholds!**" **Clears his throat loudly, **"OH UBER AWESOME WAND OF EPICNESS AND KITTIES, GRANT ME SUPER COOL POWER!" **Yamamoto bellows out and points the Wand of Epicness at Ichigo as if he wanted him to turn into a kitten. Well what can I say?... It worked.

Ichigo turned into a small tabby cat, his fur was a burgundy orange with ochre stripes running horizontally along his back and tail while his tail flicked when we all examined him, plus he had no perma-frown on his small face which was a miracle in itself! Abruptly Yamamoto squealed, then screeched out, **"**Join my kitty collection and you'll receive **20 bags of catnip and a ball of FLUFFY YARN!" **Ichigo went stiff then slowly inched his right hind paw back, then his left front paw back. Yamamoto noticed and made a grab for Ichigo but Ichigo yowled, clawed at Yamamoto's hand as it came closer and then ran away as fast as his kitten paws would take him. Me and Urahara also slowly backed when we saw flames surround the Soutaicho, we turned around and scrambled for the closest window when we noticed his personal flames of fury incinerate his paperwork and the top half of his uniform. We leapt out of the window wide eyed and ran after Ichigo as the first division spontaneously combusted into flames. We headed to the relative safety of the second division.

Meanwhile, inside the second division Yamamoto roared and spewed fire out of his mouth while randomly chucking fireballs everywhere. After he realised that he might explode the world with his flames of fury he calmed down, he waddled to the back of the office and opened a thick fireproof door. He stepped inside and was greeted by 12 cats and kittens, the room was decorated with pink walls that had huge murals of Hello Kitties face painted on them while the floor was littered with cat toys, catnip and Hello Kitty pillows. All the empty wall space was covered in cat posters while the roof had and in built stereo that played Nyan Cat nonstop.

Back with me, my head loll to the side and I ask my two travelling companions, **"**Is it just me of do I hear Nyan Cat coming from the first division?**" **We all look at each other, confused, and then agree never to mention it again.

**Done! Don't forget to pack your Lucario shaped cupcake** **for lunch! Oh and send reviews with some ideas that I can use, you will be credited and your wisdom will benefit all the people that have bothered to read my randomness! Aaaaanyway, nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan! **


	5. Yoruichi Cupcake

**A.N. Woohoo! An Australian Day Special, wou'd ya like some kanga meat, mate? Eeeeeew...Never actually had kangaroo...I wonder if Hara-chama's had some...? By the way, sory that it's a bit late, my computer stuffed up!**

**Urahara: Gosh... What do you think? I live in Japan if you haven't noticed. Oh yeah, she doesn't own Lars Alexandersson, I can't remember who does, or Bleach, Tite Kubo does, she only owns herself and partially this absolutely ridiculous plot.**

After the Soutaicho incident, when Ichigo got turned into a tabby cat and was bribed with catnip and yarn, we ran for the cover of the second division. Halfway there Ichigo poofed into smoke and came out his normal prude self, obviously we poked and prodded Ichigo to tell us what is was like to be a cat but he shoved us away screaming that we should ask Grimmjow instead and get killed. We didn't like that idea so we gave the strawberry the cold shoulder until we got bored and decided to bug him again. We ranted about the randomness of Sam Kekovich and the importance of cricket games with lamb chops; meanwhile Ichigo ranted about how nice is when we shut up.

We finally arrive at the second division barracks in time to see Soifon radiate a menacing aura and Omeada stutter for forgiveness and a chance to rephrase, Soifon denied both and instead chose to chase after her own lieutenant with a kunai. Ichigo pales, turns to me, grabs my shoulders and started to shake me violently back and forth loudly whispering, **"**For the love of everything that won't kill me, don't tell me we're gonna ask **her **right now to fly to New York?**" **Yup!**" What? **Are you absolutely **insa**-**" **Urahara tears Ichigo off me and drags Ichigo through the dirt to a large shrine dedicated to black cat with shining eyes. **"**Ooooooh! Look Kurosaki, a **shrine**! It's so shiny-**" **Are you **nuts?** We gotta get out of here before **she **brutally murders us and destroys all the evidence!**"** Ichigo screeches unknowingly, finally being noticed by the extremely annoyed ninja.**"**You. What are you doing here? Answer me before I slice you into ribbons for Yoruichi-sama's tail.**" **Ichigo pales until he looks more like a turnip with orange leaves than a human carrot top. He looks around himself frantically for Urahara but discovers that he was ditched.

So Ichigo did the bravest thing that strawberrykind and prudekind, maybe even mankind, has ever done...he talked to Soifon when she was having one of her emotional phases. By some miracle that could save all of humankind, Omeada whateverthehellhislastnameis had survived hundreds of years filled with Soifon's phases that ranged from 'Rawr I want you to worship Yoruichu-sama' to 'Groarg, you have offended the great goddess of ninjaness, Yoruichu-sama.' God knows how Ichigo will survive this.

**"**I was um... I...er...**" **Ichigo nervously gripped his giant butcher knife while Soifon slowly stalked towards him. Just as Soifon was about to turn Ichigo into strawberry smoothie I stealthily emerged from the shadows, Soifon spun to face me and place a second kunai at my throat while maintaining the first at Ichigo's throat. She glares at me, daring me to move. **"**You cannot ambush me. Tell me what you need before I slit your throat.**" **I had heard that from Rukia too, we became good friends after I gave her a Chappy plushie. I wonder if Soifon would become my buddy if I give her something Yoruichi related? Anyway, I chuckle and Soifon presses the sharp kunai against my flesh, drawing blood, I reach into my pocket and pull out a neatly folded paper, I promptly unfold it. I raise it and shove it in Soifon's face, she then squeals while bouncing on the spot with her hands flailing madly causing her to drop the two kunai.

**"**You must let me have that glorious work of art that matches Yoruichi-sama's ninja skills!**" **Soifon squeals and points at the anonymous picture that shall soon be revealed. Urahara's head pops out from behind me and grins at Ichigo then he says, **"**Ha, sorry Kurosaki, we had to scare you half to death for this to work!**" **Urahara hides behind his fan and giggles while Ichigo glares daggers that could make even Ulquiorra spaz, well... he tried, instead he twitched like an evil Magikarp. I grin like the Cheshire Cat then offered Soifon a deal. **"**You will get this unique item only if you participate in a series of trails, after all, only the Chosen One and receive the fabled Yoruichi Cupcake!**" **Urahara added his own sound effects which consisted of woooooh, aaaaaah, eeeeeeh and glargh. Although I suspect that Ichigo tried to strangle Urahara on the last one. **"OH I AM SO READY TO FACE THE TRAILS OF NINJANESS!" **Very well young grasshopper, trail number one, cook lamb chops.**" **Ichigo stopped doing whatever he was doing and stared at me like I had a banana growing out of my head; this was true with Lars Alexandersson.

Before I actually let her cook anything I have to teach her how to use a barbeque. **"**What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?**" **Soifon bounces around me. I hand Soifon cooking mittens and an apron that has the logo of world's best Aussie. She fumbles with the equipment that I gave her and Ichigo reluctantly instructs her on how to put everything on, Urahara watches chaos unfold while shoving his face with buttered popcorn that he got from god knows where. **"**Ok, first you turn the knob that says on/off to on, this will turn **on** the gas-**" **Soifon does this but applies too much force which causes the gas tank to release too much gas and that in turn coats Soifons braids and the bang framing the left side of my face. At this point Soifon decided to take some initiative to earn bonus cupcake points, I told her that the more points she has the more likely that the Yorucake will accept her. **"**So then I turn the barbeque on, right?-**" **No, for the love of all video games **no!-" **Too late.

She already turned on the barbeque, flames erupted from the small barbeque and set fire to Soifon's braids and my...my...**MY PRECIOUS HAIR HAS BEEN BURNT TO A CRISP!** As Soifon's hair burns she tries to extinguish it while I screech, run in circles, point at my hair frantically and make Urahara deaf by directing my screeches into his ear. **"**My hair**, my hair, MY HAIR! Burnt, sizzled, fried, TAKEN FROM THIS LIFE AND BROUGHT TO THE NEXT!-" **I clutch at my hair and calm down, dropping my hands down. Soifon succeeds in extinguishing her hair and turns to me only to gape in awe at my growing anger. I make eye contact with Urahara and state, deadly calm. **"**That was my favourite bang and my signature feature so if you don't bring it back I will rip up the Yorucake.**" **As I said this Soifon lunged at Urahara and shook him yelling that he should save my hair and the glorious Yorucake. He somehow brought my hair back to life and since that I have entrusted Ichigo with showing Soifon how to operate the barbeque. Urahara offered me some of his popcorn, I accepted and we both continued watching what could be classified as a ninja failing to cook food.

**"**Alright, now that you can use a barbeque without burning down your division or burning your hair you can now cook a lamb chop-**"**I dangle the raw meat above the barbeque, she follows it with her eyes while pulling uncomfortably on the apron that she had on. It seems that she didn't know what an Aussie was, or what oi, oi, oi meant. I pull Ichigo towards Soifon, I had requested that Urahara leash Ichigo with a leather collar that could have a leash attached. The poor, misfortunate strawberry struggled but he surrendered when he came face to face with Urahara's weapon of mass destruction, Ichigo's baby pictures.

Now I have a slave that will do my bidding! Ichigo stumbles towards Soifon while I take out a bottle of marinade. **"**First you must marinate the meat-**"** I grin impishly and shove Ichigo into a pool of marinade that was conveniently placed behind Ichigo by my partner in crime, Ichigo trips over his own feet faceplants into the pool causing it to tip over and land on Ichigo soaking him with the smelt substance. **"**What is **wrong **with you?**"** I shut Ichigo up by pulling him out from under the port-a-pool by his leg and drag him through the dirt only to drop him onto a giant hamburger bun. **"**-drop the meat onto a hamburger bun and add condiments. Preferably barbeque sauce-**" **Urahara hands me a huge, and when I say huge I mean **HUGE**, bottle of barbeque sauce which I proceed to squirt over Ichigo, covering him with the stick, brown and very tasty sauce.**"**Add cheese, lettuce and other toppings-**"**I give Soifon a tub full of lettuce, cheese and cucumbers. She inches towards the human hamburger and spreads the contents all over Ichigo, he groans but goes limp and passes out from all the screeching he was doing while I was torturing-uh... teach, yeah teaching, Soifon! Me and Soifon inspect our almost perfect human hamburger. **"**-now you're almost done, all you need is for someone to eat it!**" **Urahara eagerly speaks up, **"**A hollow could eat it!**"** Soifon nods and I grin, I then turn to her. **"**Good! Now make a hamburger **for **a human, not **made **of human.**" **Soifon has stars in her eyes as she remembers the Yorucake so she skips around me making the hamburger that I requested.

She finishes making a gourmet hamburger and hands it to me. I raise it to my mouth and take a bit, savouring every single taste. I swallow then announce grandly, **"**Perfect blend of lettuce and cucumber, too much cheese, tastes too...cheesy. Well squirted sauce, evenly spread. 9 out of 10, it was good over all-**" **Soifon clutches at her head and runs circles around me squealing and screeching. **"**Heh, you brought me some lunch, made Ichigo into a food group. There is but one more trial left-**" "**What is it? I must acquire the Great Cupcake of Ninjaness!**" **i tsk and wag my finger, shove the picture of the crudely drawn cupcake in Soifon's face. **"**The final challenge is at midnight, you must come to New York with us. The details will be sent via Hell Butterfly. You will receive the Great Epic Yoruichi Cupcake of Uber Epicness and Ninja-y Nutrients now, I trust you with this sacred relic.** "**Oh yes! I will guard it with my life!**" **No need to go that far...**" **Soifon screeches one last time before passing out. Urahara lays the cupcake in Soifon's hand, we then venture to the third division barracks forgetting one simple thing.

Ichigo wakes up only to discover that his blanket is a piece of lettuce and his pillow a piece of cheese. He throws the food off him only to discover that he was covered in... barbeque sauce? He looks around confused and then spots a hollow advancing hungrily towards him. Ichigo turns around and runs for his life while the hollow behind him screeches, **"**Come back hamburger, I'm not hurt you! I'm only gonna eat you!**" **Now Soifon wakes up, she swore she could hear that obnoxious strawberry wailing and a hollow screeching something about eating a hamburger... she dismissed it with a shake of the head, she could care less what happened to him, she glanced at her hand and saw the most wonderful sight! A cupcake, not just any cupcake! A **Yoruichi** cupcake! She cupped the cupcake in her hands and waddled to her shrine, placed the cupcake beside a clump of black hair and began to worship the shrine. She had to thank that girl, what was her name? Riko?... Yeah, Riko. They were now well acquainted.

**Haha, I don't feel sorry Ichigo! He'll live! Right...? Oh, this is a GOOD hamburger! Want some?... Naw, guess not. Rate and review! **


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